The David Lee Roth Exorcism Kit
Do you have a friend who just insists Van Hagar is the true Van Halen? Is he consistently driving over or under 55 mph? Does he think OU812 and For Your Carnal Knowledge are hilarious responses and album titles? If so, he has probably been inhabited by the Red Rocker Demon.
The Red Rocker Demon is an evil succubus that turns otherwise sane Van Halen fans into ravenous Van Hagar fans. They insist the vocals of Sammy Hagar are higher and loftier than DLR's. They begin to drink Crystal Pepsi and start quoting Van Hagar love songs in Valentine's Day cards. But we here at BnR Products Incorporated have the proper solution, a Diamond David Lee Roth Exorcism kit.
The DLR Exorcism kit contains one bottle of Jack Daniels, one bottle of Cabo Wabo Tequila, one copy of Crazy from the Heat, one Spandex jump suit with tassels, an EMT patch, copy of Van Halen I, and a box of condoms. Your mom is not supplied with every DLR Exorcism kit, but is essential to expunge the spirit from your friend.
You need strap your possessed friend to the bed with hardy leather straps. They will struggle, but you are not hurting them. You are creating a better life for them sans the Red Rocker Demon's nefarious influence.
Once your friend is snugly strapped to the bed, place Van Halen I on repeat while your mom strips the bewitched friend. Once naked, have your mother place the EMT patch directly on the friend's heart while you begin to put on the exorcism vestments (the spandex one piece with tassels).
Take a swig of the Jack Daniels body and feed the rest of the bottle in small increments to your ensorcelled compatriot. Begin slowly reading passages from the bible Crazy from the Heat. Begin at chapter one. Once you reach chapter three of the book, begin to allow your chum to sip on Cabo Wabo Tequila. If your buddy continues to drink the tequila down, continue reading chapters from Crazy from the Heat. Repeat as necessary.
You will know when your friend is no longer possessed by the Red Rocker Demon because he will spit out the disgusting Cabo Wabo Tequila immediately. That is when you know the exorcism worked.
To officially cleanse the body of the Red Rocker Demon and prevent possession in the future, allow your friend to have sex with your mom*.
Legal terminology:
*Mom may be substituted with an older MILF where instances of "mom" can not be filled. Instances of places where "mom" can't be filled are: mom is no longer living, mom is physically unable to perform coitus, or mom is unwilling to copulate with your disgustingly overweight mouth breathing friend . An acceptable substitution has to be over the age of 35 and with at least one stretch mark. Quality of sex doesn't matter, only vaginal discharge needs to be deposited on the condomized shaft through insertion. Hookers may also be substituted. Purchase price does not include a hooker. Hookers not available in all states. Void where illegal.
The DLR Exorcism kit retails for $49.99 and is not available in Hawaii or Alaska.
The Red Rocker Demon is an evil succubus that turns otherwise sane Van Halen fans into ravenous Van Hagar fans. They insist the vocals of Sammy Hagar are higher and loftier than DLR's. They begin to drink Crystal Pepsi and start quoting Van Hagar love songs in Valentine's Day cards. But we here at BnR Products Incorporated have the proper solution, a Diamond David Lee Roth Exorcism kit.
The DLR Exorcism kit contains one bottle of Jack Daniels, one bottle of Cabo Wabo Tequila, one copy of Crazy from the Heat, one Spandex jump suit with tassels, an EMT patch, copy of Van Halen I, and a box of condoms. Your mom is not supplied with every DLR Exorcism kit, but is essential to expunge the spirit from your friend.
You need strap your possessed friend to the bed with hardy leather straps. They will struggle, but you are not hurting them. You are creating a better life for them sans the Red Rocker Demon's nefarious influence.
Once your friend is snugly strapped to the bed, place Van Halen I on repeat while your mom strips the bewitched friend. Once naked, have your mother place the EMT patch directly on the friend's heart while you begin to put on the exorcism vestments (the spandex one piece with tassels).
Take a swig of the Jack Daniels body and feed the rest of the bottle in small increments to your ensorcelled compatriot. Begin slowly reading passages from the bible Crazy from the Heat. Begin at chapter one. Once you reach chapter three of the book, begin to allow your chum to sip on Cabo Wabo Tequila. If your buddy continues to drink the tequila down, continue reading chapters from Crazy from the Heat. Repeat as necessary.
You will know when your friend is no longer possessed by the Red Rocker Demon because he will spit out the disgusting Cabo Wabo Tequila immediately. That is when you know the exorcism worked.
To officially cleanse the body of the Red Rocker Demon and prevent possession in the future, allow your friend to have sex with your mom*.
Legal terminology:
*Mom may be substituted with an older MILF where instances of "mom" can not be filled. Instances of places where "mom" can't be filled are: mom is no longer living, mom is physically unable to perform coitus, or mom is unwilling to copulate with your disgustingly overweight mouth breathing friend . An acceptable substitution has to be over the age of 35 and with at least one stretch mark. Quality of sex doesn't matter, only vaginal discharge needs to be deposited on the condomized shaft through insertion. Hookers may also be substituted. Purchase price does not include a hooker. Hookers not available in all states. Void where illegal.
The DLR Exorcism kit retails for $49.99 and is not available in Hawaii or Alaska.
Posted by Craig Wettner at 2/6/2012 7:22 PM 
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Blogs N' Roses Original BnR Products Incorporated
Categories: uncategorized
Tags: Blogs N' Roses Original BnR Products Incorporated
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