Blogs N' Roses Rules for Rock Fans
I was talking over the weekend to our Vegas correspondent and main man
behind Vegas's most successful act since Wayne Newton and Liberace,
Stagnetti's Cock. We were discussing the rules of fans who go to show to
see their favorite bands. We came up with a few that MUST be adhered to
in order to go to shows. We will call this feature: Blogs N' Roses Fan
Musts. No that is too plain. How about Blogs N' Roses rules for weeding
out Douchebags at shows.
1. No shirts of the band you are seeing
We get it, you love the band you are coming to see. But you just paid 35 dollars to see them. This rule also extends to shirts featuring ex-members. If you go to a Slash show, don't wear a Guns N' Roses shirt or a Snakepit shirt. Don't wear a Pearl Jam or Audioslave shirt to a Soundgarden show. It's an asshole thing to do and deserves a junk punch.
2. No preconcert concert in the parking lot.
I hate it when I am sitting in the parking lot of a Metallica show enjoying a tasty alcoholic beverage (pina colada with a pink umbrella). Then an asshole in a Chevy Avalanche barrels down on me, parks next to me, erects his mobile Coleman grille and blasts Metallica's Black Album. I am about to hear the band play Enter Sandman live and better than the version on that album. Turn off the band you are about to see. We get it, you are a fan of the band. But we already knew that since you paid 50 bucks to see Metallica.
3. No after concert concert in the parking lot
I hate when I am leaving a show, half deaf and have to listen to muscle bound monkeys in Jeeps blaring songs we just heard. OR worse, songs I haven't heard. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that Metallica didn't play The Unforgiven III from Death Magnetic.
4. Put the Pussy in front of you
If you are a dude at the show and there is a girl behind you, let her in front. Yes she is probably a raging bitch, but she will smell better than the hairy, sweaty fat dude currently standing in front of you. Also, the band will thank you when they look out over the crowd and sees only hot women. They will play a better set. Extra bonus, if the show is a harder rocking show, you can jump up and down whilest rubbing your cock all over the hot chick in front of you. If you are like me and frottage gets you off, you will cum and the concert will be worth it.
5. If you are a fat pussy, stay in the back.
There is nothing worse than Moby Dick, the Goth whale running to the front of the barrier. She is going to be sweating as people push her against the barrier. Inevitably, this filter feeder will pass out from the heat and the bouncers will have to use a forklift to lift her from the front row. If you are a large woman, do the bouncers, band, and rest of the fans a favor - stay in the back or to the sides.
6. Can't sing? Don't sing!
I can't tell you how many shows I have been to where the person next to me SCREAMS the lyrics to every song at the band. I didn't pay money to listen to you cackle the lyrics to Crazy Train and yell it at Ozzy from the 200 level. He can't hear you, stop it! If there are sing-along portions, leave the singing to the rest of us who can carry a tune.
7. Insane Uber-fan who tells everyone else incessantly
We understand that you have seen AC/DC 1,562 times in 500 countries and 6 continents. I don't fucking care. Stop telling me about how Whole Lotta Rosie sounded better in Brisbane in '86. If you are an uber fan, be confident in the fact that the people around you will never hold up to your level of insanity. I have seen AC/DC once and touched a girl's vagina over three times (only two legally). I don't think I could be anymore disinterested in your travels.
Above all, no one cares that you are a fan of the band. We deduced that by you paying money to see them in concert. You don't have to display how cool you are with Guns N' Roses Appetite for Destruction shirt at the Axl Roses show. Keep the band you are about to see off your stereo. You are about to see them, you don't need to hear them an hour before show time or an hour after the show.
If you follow these rules, your chances of getting fly eyed (a wedgie that splits your balls into two sides of your underwear) diminish by 70%.
1. No shirts of the band you are seeing
We get it, you love the band you are coming to see. But you just paid 35 dollars to see them. This rule also extends to shirts featuring ex-members. If you go to a Slash show, don't wear a Guns N' Roses shirt or a Snakepit shirt. Don't wear a Pearl Jam or Audioslave shirt to a Soundgarden show. It's an asshole thing to do and deserves a junk punch.
2. No preconcert concert in the parking lot.
I hate it when I am sitting in the parking lot of a Metallica show enjoying a tasty alcoholic beverage (pina colada with a pink umbrella). Then an asshole in a Chevy Avalanche barrels down on me, parks next to me, erects his mobile Coleman grille and blasts Metallica's Black Album. I am about to hear the band play Enter Sandman live and better than the version on that album. Turn off the band you are about to see. We get it, you are a fan of the band. But we already knew that since you paid 50 bucks to see Metallica.
3. No after concert concert in the parking lot
I hate when I am leaving a show, half deaf and have to listen to muscle bound monkeys in Jeeps blaring songs we just heard. OR worse, songs I haven't heard. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that Metallica didn't play The Unforgiven III from Death Magnetic.
4. Put the Pussy in front of you
If you are a dude at the show and there is a girl behind you, let her in front. Yes she is probably a raging bitch, but she will smell better than the hairy, sweaty fat dude currently standing in front of you. Also, the band will thank you when they look out over the crowd and sees only hot women. They will play a better set. Extra bonus, if the show is a harder rocking show, you can jump up and down whilest rubbing your cock all over the hot chick in front of you. If you are like me and frottage gets you off, you will cum and the concert will be worth it.
5. If you are a fat pussy, stay in the back.
There is nothing worse than Moby Dick, the Goth whale running to the front of the barrier. She is going to be sweating as people push her against the barrier. Inevitably, this filter feeder will pass out from the heat and the bouncers will have to use a forklift to lift her from the front row. If you are a large woman, do the bouncers, band, and rest of the fans a favor - stay in the back or to the sides.
6. Can't sing? Don't sing!
I can't tell you how many shows I have been to where the person next to me SCREAMS the lyrics to every song at the band. I didn't pay money to listen to you cackle the lyrics to Crazy Train and yell it at Ozzy from the 200 level. He can't hear you, stop it! If there are sing-along portions, leave the singing to the rest of us who can carry a tune.
7. Insane Uber-fan who tells everyone else incessantly
We understand that you have seen AC/DC 1,562 times in 500 countries and 6 continents. I don't fucking care. Stop telling me about how Whole Lotta Rosie sounded better in Brisbane in '86. If you are an uber fan, be confident in the fact that the people around you will never hold up to your level of insanity. I have seen AC/DC once and touched a girl's vagina over three times (only two legally). I don't think I could be anymore disinterested in your travels.
Above all, no one cares that you are a fan of the band. We deduced that by you paying money to see them in concert. You don't have to display how cool you are with Guns N' Roses Appetite for Destruction shirt at the Axl Roses show. Keep the band you are about to see off your stereo. You are about to see them, you don't need to hear them an hour before show time or an hour after the show.
If you follow these rules, your chances of getting fly eyed (a wedgie that splits your balls into two sides of your underwear) diminish by 70%.
I neglected to mention, that man is Tommy "The Destination" Capicola. He is the official Blogs N' Roses douchebag.
I have a Weber grill not a coleman and I no longer own an Avalanche.