How to Make The Winter Olympics Rock N' Roll
The Winter Olympics started over the weekend and they are not very rock
n' roll. In fact, most of them are about grace, sophistication, and
beauty....something Rock N' Roll isn't. But like all things, I have a
solution that should make the Winter Olympics more Rock and less gay.
1. All snowboarders have an official song.
The pimple faced 18 year olds in the snowboard competition need a pump up anthem before dropping into a half pipe full of ice and snow. They need a song like Gary Glitter's Rock N' Roll Part II or White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. This anthem will play during their high flying adventure through the downhill slippery ice journey. Only rock songs can be picked because Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On doesn't have the right vibe.
2. Ski Jumpers are forced to listen to Nickelback.
The ski jumpers sit on a little board before they glide down an incline and off to Neverland. I know some people need proper motivation to jump and thus Nickelback will be played. People will be clamoring to escape the infernal racket, they will jump faster and longer. I hope this will lead to record breaking jumps. No starting pistols will be allowed at the top of the ski jump for fear jumpers will take the "easy" way out.
3. Olympic Village will now be Called Stones 72.
In honor of the Rolling Stones most debauchery filled tour (the 72 North American tour), the Olympic Village will be renamed the Stones '72. There will be drugs, sex, and Bode Miller 24/7. Trojan or Durex will sponsor the Stones '72 to promote safe sex. This will make the athletes more relaxed and producing less Olympic athletes so fat asses like myself can feel better about themselves.
4. No fo-fo music during Ice Skating.
Ice Skating, both pairs and singles, will have to pick rock music. Judges will award points based upon selection, style, interpretation of music, and arrangement. Example:
Johnny Weir, picks Slayer's Angel of Death. His performance must somehow interpret the struggles in Nazi concentration camps. How is he going to pick such an iconic mental image and bring it to skates? Well there is how he will be judged. I can't think of anything more signifying of the struggle of the Jewish people than a Triple Sow Cow. If Johnny is truly Gold medal worthy, he will make it work.
5. Ice Dancers have to dodge Mario Van Peebles
As with all my suggestions for popular things, Mario Van Peebles MUST make an appearance. The bad ass from Highlander 3, will only serve to make the Ice Dancing competition more eventful as he skaters now have to put together a beautiful program and dodge the Bruce Lee like sword swinging of Mario Van Peebles. Just like real life, we have to prepare ourselves for the unknown. Well Ice Dancers should be no different. They will have to prepare a routine that combines style, beauty, double toe loops, and dodging a Mario Van Peebles wielding a Hatori Hanzo swords.
1. All snowboarders have an official song.
The pimple faced 18 year olds in the snowboard competition need a pump up anthem before dropping into a half pipe full of ice and snow. They need a song like Gary Glitter's Rock N' Roll Part II or White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. This anthem will play during their high flying adventure through the downhill slippery ice journey. Only rock songs can be picked because Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On doesn't have the right vibe.
2. Ski Jumpers are forced to listen to Nickelback.
The ski jumpers sit on a little board before they glide down an incline and off to Neverland. I know some people need proper motivation to jump and thus Nickelback will be played. People will be clamoring to escape the infernal racket, they will jump faster and longer. I hope this will lead to record breaking jumps. No starting pistols will be allowed at the top of the ski jump for fear jumpers will take the "easy" way out.
3. Olympic Village will now be Called Stones 72.
In honor of the Rolling Stones most debauchery filled tour (the 72 North American tour), the Olympic Village will be renamed the Stones '72. There will be drugs, sex, and Bode Miller 24/7. Trojan or Durex will sponsor the Stones '72 to promote safe sex. This will make the athletes more relaxed and producing less Olympic athletes so fat asses like myself can feel better about themselves.
4. No fo-fo music during Ice Skating.
Ice Skating, both pairs and singles, will have to pick rock music. Judges will award points based upon selection, style, interpretation of music, and arrangement. Example:
Johnny Weir, picks Slayer's Angel of Death. His performance must somehow interpret the struggles in Nazi concentration camps. How is he going to pick such an iconic mental image and bring it to skates? Well there is how he will be judged. I can't think of anything more signifying of the struggle of the Jewish people than a Triple Sow Cow. If Johnny is truly Gold medal worthy, he will make it work.
5. Ice Dancers have to dodge Mario Van Peebles
As with all my suggestions for popular things, Mario Van Peebles MUST make an appearance. The bad ass from Highlander 3, will only serve to make the Ice Dancing competition more eventful as he skaters now have to put together a beautiful program and dodge the Bruce Lee like sword swinging of Mario Van Peebles. Just like real life, we have to prepare ourselves for the unknown. Well Ice Dancers should be no different. They will have to prepare a routine that combines style, beauty, double toe loops, and dodging a Mario Van Peebles wielding a Hatori Hanzo swords.
What is your deal with Mario Van Peebles? The guy is a shit actor and hasn't done anything worthwhile. Give it up.
Collect Funds from your known people and spend that money for this Olympics to make it rock and roll......
i really wonder how you guys manage all this,treatments,costumes,moving from one place to another ,training costs etc....
That is a good idea about the different song for different people. I also love MVP!