Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than the girl's mom. Whether the young lass feels her mother has control over her or not....she's wrong. The mother plays a critical part in the development of the girl you are dating. This is compounded when the girl is a bubble headed bleach blond who has a close relationship with her mother.

So here is Blogs N' Roses advice to all our rocker friends, screw and run. But not all of you are Wentzes, like us, so if you have to meet the mother, don't tell her you are a rocker. Tell the mom your out on parole on an aggravated assault charge thanks to your bitch ex-girlfriend. Then when the mom finds out you are a rocker in the 80's supergroup Poison, things won't seem so bad.

Bret Michaels opened up about what caused his relationship to fail with Pam Anderson at Blender.com on their "Dear Superstar" column. He tried to win over Pam's mom, but that was not successful. Read the quote and then we will analyize why.

"One of her mom's favorite bands was the Beach Boys, so I called up John Stamos, who played drums occasionally for the band," he reveals. "I said, 'John, can you put the mom on the side of the stage?' So he does — they even let her go out and sing with the Beach Boys. The next day, Pamela goes, 'My mom really doesn’t like you very much.' I'm thinking, 'What the fuck?' The mom really didn't like the rocker thing or the way I looked — Pamela had never dated a rocker before. I think that played a big part in the relationship."

What did Bret do wrong?

1. He tried to impress the mother with his connections. This doesn't work. No mother gives two shits about who you know. They only care about how you are going to treat their daughter.


2. The mother said she liked the Beach Boys, John Stamos, when last I checked, was not a Beach Boy. The Beach Boys he was touring with in 1990 were not the true Beach Boys.

This brings me to a kind of related tangent. I have started saving for my funeral. I know that sounds morbid, but the reason I am saving is because I want a shit load of money so I can pay John Stamos to show up at my funeral to pay his respects. People will be like "did he really know Uncle Jessie?" That was my original idea, but now I am thinking Mario Van Peebles might be cheaper and totally more bad ass.

Here is Mario gearing up for my funeral by kicking an AK-47 out of the hands of terrorist. Maybe when MVP shows up at the funeral he can kick the can of Cheez Wiz from my Uncle Manny's sausage fingers.