Blogs N’ Roses is your Martha Stewart of tasteless Rock n’ Roll Christmas. It’s high time you pick out that tacky, dead Douglas fir, take the Christmas sweater out of mothballs and get your holiday music in order for BnR’s Hunka Burnin’ Christmas. Don’t forget the mistletoe belt!

You may keep your Twisted Sister Christmas album under your pillow while visions of transvestites dance in your head, but your only half-way there. Every decent Christmas bash needs a wide variety of holiday hits to keep your guests suitably disgusted. Below are BnR’s top Christmas songs, so grab some eggnog, cozy up by the fire and watch Die Hard.

1. “Blue Christmas” by Elvis Presley – Elvis is the King of Christmas…and the universe for that matter. I’ll have a blue, blue Christmas, but only because I’ve misplaced my mistletoe belt.
2. “Father Christmas” by The Kinks – The miracle of Christmas via the miracle of poverty and muggings.
3. "Twisted Christmas" by Twisted Sister – Every song on this album is a classic or at least a prison dog-pile raping of a classic by five middle-aged men in spandex and make-up. I don’t know how I survived all those years without it.
4. “Run, Run, Rudolph” by Chuck Berry – It’s gold if you can get past the cheesy holiday films that have almost ruined this masterpiece.
5. “A Merry Jingle” by The Greedies – ½ Sex Pistols plus 2/5 Thin Lizzy = 100% pure shameless holiday cheese.
6. “Fuck Christmas” by Fear – This track only clocks in at 42 seconds but Lee Ving voices the sentiments of anyone who didn’t feel like shopping in 1982.
7. “Here Comes Santa Claus” by Elvis Presley – Another song ass-raped ad-nauseam by Hollywood. Karma is a bitch, Macauley Culkin...
8. “The Christmas Song” by Alvin and the Chipmunks – Actually this is one of the worst songs ever, it’s only included on this list for it’s use during interrogations in lieu of water boarding.
9. “Run, Run, Adolph” by The Blessed Muthas – I’m not even sure this song exists or if it’s a Christmas song?

I’m sure I missed a few…but that’s what the comments box is for.

And now for my Christmas Wish List of Songs That I Wish Existed.

1. “I Saw Mommy Fisting Santa Claus” by GG Allin
2.  “All I Want For Christmas is to be Bruce Springsteen” by Bon Jovi
3. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (is Hanging on My Wall) by Ted Nugent
4. “Snow in Blood” by Slayer
5. “Green Christmas” by Willie Nelson
6. “Take Me Down to the Christmas City Where the Grass is Snow and the Girls are Easy” by Axl’s Appetite
7. "Christmas Booze" by Pantera
8. "Last Christmas I Gave You The Clap" by George Michael
9. "All I Want for Christmas is Money and Dick" by Mariah Carey