A Way to Beef Up Security at Concerts
Since we reported the Oasis event, where a dumbass ran on stage and pushed Noel Gallagher off the stage, I have been looking for a way to protect artists. One way is for the artists not to piss off their fans by putting out self-indulgent albums or alienating their fans by becoming large douches unable to relate to those fans.
But that becomes hard as those bands move from the small stage to a larger stage (isolating them from the personal contact with the plebes), entertaining larger amounts of fans (sets deigned around pleasing themselves and not fans), and jumping into their piles of money.
But there is another way, 11 body guards plastered around stage. This is the philosophy Celine Dion employs on her current world tour. On stage at all times must be eight body guards who sit on chairs that swivel 30 degrees. The other three body guards are floaters, meaning they walk around the stage at regular intervals.
This might stop dumbasses from running up on stage knowing they will be crushed by no less than six body guards and never reach the artist. This could be one potential solution to the dumbass nature of people.
My solution is actually a bit more complex, but could work very well if venues would employ such an avant garde solution. A labyrinth.
The artist will perform in the center of the arena, which will also be the center of the labyrinth. The floor will consist of a highly complex set of walls that create a maze around the arena.
Most fans will be able to sit around the outside of the labyrinth and enjoy the show. However, those more brave...or just more drunk can try to get close and settle their grudge with the artist.
Entry to the labyrinth will cost an extra $200.00, however, you will have to also answer three questions that increase in difficulty about the band. You must answer each one correctly or fire breathing clown will set you ablaze.
If you make it past the questions and the fire breathing clown, the next challenge is the ravenous minotaur. A student of Greek mythology will know, the only way to slay the minotaur is with the sword of Aegeus. Assuming you have that, you will reach the final step of the concert labyrinth, which is the three hour marathon of the Roseanne show.
Provided you beat all those tasks, you will then be granted access to the stage. Presumably the artist would know you were coming and be ready for you, but it is your big moment so make the most of it.
Here is a mock up of a fake concert poster including my labyrinth idea with a David Bowie concert:
But that becomes hard as those bands move from the small stage to a larger stage (isolating them from the personal contact with the plebes), entertaining larger amounts of fans (sets deigned around pleasing themselves and not fans), and jumping into their piles of money.
But there is another way, 11 body guards plastered around stage. This is the philosophy Celine Dion employs on her current world tour. On stage at all times must be eight body guards who sit on chairs that swivel 30 degrees. The other three body guards are floaters, meaning they walk around the stage at regular intervals.
This might stop dumbasses from running up on stage knowing they will be crushed by no less than six body guards and never reach the artist. This could be one potential solution to the dumbass nature of people.
My solution is actually a bit more complex, but could work very well if venues would employ such an avant garde solution. A labyrinth.
The artist will perform in the center of the arena, which will also be the center of the labyrinth. The floor will consist of a highly complex set of walls that create a maze around the arena.
Most fans will be able to sit around the outside of the labyrinth and enjoy the show. However, those more brave...or just more drunk can try to get close and settle their grudge with the artist.
Entry to the labyrinth will cost an extra $200.00, however, you will have to also answer three questions that increase in difficulty about the band. You must answer each one correctly or fire breathing clown will set you ablaze.
If you make it past the questions and the fire breathing clown, the next challenge is the ravenous minotaur. A student of Greek mythology will know, the only way to slay the minotaur is with the sword of Aegeus. Assuming you have that, you will reach the final step of the concert labyrinth, which is the three hour marathon of the Roseanne show.
Provided you beat all those tasks, you will then be granted access to the stage. Presumably the artist would know you were coming and be ready for you, but it is your big moment so make the most of it.
Here is a mock up of a fake concert poster including my labyrinth idea with a David Bowie concert:
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