Over the summer, the staff of BnR got to witness the glory that is a Monotonix live show. (Check out the review here)I was in South America learning how to be an efficient drug donkey, so I missed the show. But I received voicemails from the rest of the staff explaining how life changing a Monotonix concert actually is.
 
I scoffed at their words. I couldn't believe that a band could live up to the hype the rest of the Wettners were generating. I was wrong, so very, very wrong.
 
The show was in the basement of a church. You heard me, in the basement of a church. Here in Philadelphia, we have a very unique concert venue, The First Unitarian Church on Chestnut Street. The basement has little air flow, a great musty smell, an intimate atmosphere. The people were courteous and caring...more so than a typical Philadelphia show.
 
The basement had a small stage, brown wooden walls, and so much character. Kids learned about Jesus here and I was about to learn the ways of life through the Monotonix. The stage looks like it holds children's plays or concerts when not hosting a punk rock show. I can just see the floor being filled with metal folding chairs and happy parents listening to their kids butcher The King and I or Beethoven's 5th.
 
But the Monotonix don't use the stage anyway. When we arrived in the basement, the drum kit was on the floor (not the stage) and Moshe Vegas was warming up his guitar. Elvis was fixing his microphone and then disappeared as quickly as he appeared to change into his performance gear.
 
I was not prepared for the performance gear. The gear consisted of the shortest, 80's running shorts I have ever seen, hairy, masculine chests and asses, a giant metal chain, and fantastic dress shoes.
 
Udi sits down at this drum kit and begins to pound out an awesome drum beat as Elvis starts to crawl on the floor toward an expired roll of electrical tape. He picks it up with his mouth and then begins to fence a few people in the audience with his index finger. Moshe Vegas enters the performance arena and Elvis and him begin a well rehearsed mime routine where Elvis would run to the mic and appear to yell into it, but only guitar sound came out. Classic!
 
Moshe Vegas kicks up the guitar at full force and the band begins their performance. I have to be honest with you, I have no idea if their music is any good because I got caught up in the performance, I forgot to listen to the music. (I have since gone back and listened to the Monotonix's and they back up the performance with great, kick ass songs.)
 
Someone in the crowd had some alcohol which Elvis stole and dumped all over himself and his hairy ass. He stuck the microphone near his sweaty, alcohol dripping, hole and proudly displayed it to the rest of the audience.
 
The performance then migrates further into the crowd as Elvis pulls the Udi's drum kit forward. The crowd parts like the Red Sea and then surrounds the band again. Elvis disappears into the crowd while I begin to watch Moshe Vegas slide all over the alcohol soaked floor. Elvis reemerges with a trash can and dumps it all over Udi. Crown Royal, water bottles, McDonald's Big Mac containers, and a condom wrapper falls out of the trash onto the carpet under the drum kit.
 
Udi continues to play the song with the giant trash can on his head while the crowd taps on it. It is at this time that Elvis begins to smash his head into the bass drum. Elvis stands on a metal folding chair and shoots a snot rocket out at the crowd. I see the large, mucous-injected, globule out of the corner of my eye. A portion of it hits my bottom lip and the rest his my exposed arm. I assumed it was just spit until Bob Wettner enlightened me that it was actually snot. The scary part was I had no reaction of horror. I desired more. The performance awakened some innate and suppressed desire to get completely dirty and disgusting like my first sexual experience in the rectory of the church with the beanbag full of medical waste with Father Gambino.
 
The performance continued to move further and further into the crowd and up into the hallways of the church. The Monotonix sucking and pulling random people into the show like a giant whirlpool to either carry their equipment into the hallways or "dance like a mad man."
 
When they ended their set, I felt like my hamster just died. I didn't want it to end. I sat reflecting about the performance and realized this band will never be able to play Madison Square Garden. Their performance is tailor made for small venues where they can pull the crowd into it.
 
Once you see the Monotonix, every other band will pale in comparison. Your life will be changed forever. You will no longer see trash cans without imagining them on someone's head, you will desire to pour alcohol and water on your head in the name of performance, and you will no longer be the dull, reserved person you are currently. Women will flock to your confidence and you will nail no less than 3.4 times the amount of pussy (or dick) you are receiving now. Go change your life. See a Monotonix show...and their MySpace site.