Due to our secret industry connections, Blogs N' Roses obtained a copy of Metallica’s Death Magnetic a mere eight hours before it’s release. An unaware postman carried this hot potato for days. Ignorance is bliss, my blue friend.

This review will be my immediate reaction of the first listening of the complete Death Magnetic album, broken down by song for your convenience and obsessive pleasure.

“That Was Just Your Life” – The opening track sounds like any half decent Slayer song but with a big production budget. The hook is nowhere to be found, or at least it’s cleverly concealed beneath the Slayer and Megadeth clichés that now have become Metallica’s calling card. The boys throw in some nice thrash riffs at the end but it still sounds like a demo.

“The End of the Line” – Here they go again with a bland riff and some gratuitous palm muting. They try evoke memories of Metallica’s glory days when they were poor but respected. Times have changed, Lars, times have changed. At least the vocals are catchier, but I think this band has reached the end of the line…

“Broken, Beat & Scarred” – By this point I miss the jaw-dropping riffs that I know Metallica can write, but  instead I’m left with this bland schlock that I’d hear from wannabes shredding at Guitar Center. The vocals sound like a refugee from the Load era and that can be positive or negative depending on one's taste. Hetfield screams “we die hard” with a conviction missing on the opening tracks. Mucho huevos, nice! Kirk comes in with a solo straight outta 1983, and it sounds like something Mustaine would play in his drugs and booze days. “Broken, Beat & Scarred” saves itself in the extended thrash metal instrumental at the ¾ mark. I actually enjoyed the last three minutes.

“The Day That Never Comes” – I can smell the radio single the instant Hetfield opens his mouth. Here Metallica try announce their return to form. “The Day That Never Comes” sounds like the distillation of every musical turn the band has taken in the last two decades, replete with balladry, catchy vocals, tempo changes and a manic, thrash metal ending. It’s also four seconds short the magic Metallica eight minute mark. They are still missing the feeling insanity that has been released after years of oppression, but it’s a step in the right direction. This one sounds passable when played in the context of Death Magnetic but it was painfully cliché when played on the radio. Still, “The Day That Never Comes” will be the “Until It Sleeps” of this millennium.

“All Nightmare Long” – Clever title boys. This track is chock full ‘o palm muted guitars. I know, I know...it’s a metal album, but this one is really chock full ‘o palm muted guitars. The writing style is reminiscent of St. Anger, but without the recorded with a tin can in a shit-house basement sound. Another long track, but not like Load where the length became gratuitous since Metallica repeated the same verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure ad nauseam. Also a “return to form” track, but sadly not blessed with the genius that characterized their classic catalog.

“Cyanide” – I wish Bob Rock took it back in the day… bastard. This track sounds much more streamlined that the others. We have found the other missing single; Metallica just hid them like the “Daily Double” since they actually have a cool producer this time instead of Captain Cliché.  Enough of this slop…onto the really unpardonablely titled “The Unforgiven III.”

“The Unforgiven III” – Holy fuck, no waaaaaaaAAAAHH  intro! Just piano and strings…wait for it…I know it’s coming after the Ennio Morricone impersonation. Nope, still no intro. Metallica wisely elect to save themselves from total embarrassment by avoiding any clichés from the other two Unforgivens. “How can I be lost if I’ve got nowhere to go?” The hook is apparently lost, James. This one is going nowhere, so I'm onto the next track.

“The Judas Kiss” – Another clever name but this puppy turns out to be a dud. Is it over yet? No, still going. Despite the title, this track sounds like a reject from “…And Justice For All.” Now I want to listen to “Blackened” because it’s actually a good song. Only Kirk's over-wahed solo’s save this one from the scrap bin. Too bad, Judas is my favorite Biblical character.

“Suicide & Redemption” – Obey your mast….oh wait. Wrong song. You can guess how this one starts.

“My Apocalypse” – Metallica saved the best for last… the best Slayer song that is. It’s ok, because I love Slayer. It also gives us the album title, “Death Magnetic.” This track gets a little tedious since the peak was in the intro. Slayer Rulez!

The real tragedy of Death Magnetic is that Metallica lost their ability to write catchy, memorable songs and barn storming metal riffs. This album could have been a masterpiece. Metallica can hit a grand slam, but they bunted again. I don’t hear a single, James. I never thought I’d think that way with Metallica, but I know the songwriting should be better.

I’m not disappointed because Death Magnetic doesn’t sound like the 80’s albums or because it’s not as straightforward and catchy as the Loads. I’m disappointed because Death Magnetic isn’t that good, especially considering the tremendous gulf between the finished product and Metallica’s potential.

If you are waiting for the return of classic Metallica, then don't buy this album. Stay home and listen to Master of Puppets.

If you will buy anything that sounds like Metallica, then pick up Death Magnetic, it isn't all that bad. But it isn't all that good either.