Oh well, I guess I missed that very special occasion when MTV pats themselves on the back for being a steaming pile of shit. The VMAs seemed slightly more pathetic this year since MTV is still drooling on the same washed up stars from 1999 (Spears, Aguilera.) I thought they turned those people into soylent green on their stamped expiration date but it looks like the stinky Britney milk has to share space in my refrigerator next to the fresh cheese of the Jonas virgins.

After I wallowed in regret from my neglectful behavior, I tried to cheer myself up. I wasn't about to watch a re-run of the VMAs or even read about it, so I went to Youtube at the prompt of that Batman sound bite. I searched for "MTV David Lee Roth." That should do the trick. I didn't find any vintage VMA footage, but that's because I didn't really look. I unearthed this little gem first.

In 1984, MTV held the "Van Halen Lost Weekend Contest," where one lucky Ed McMahon look-alike could travel and party with the band for one star-crossed, doe-eyed weekend.

I busted open this poorly preserved time capsule and discovered that 1. MTV always sucked 2. DLR should always be accompanied by either adoring groupies or midgets 3. Alex Van Halen always looked like an ape with a bandanna 4. That guy needs to return those glasses to Ed McMahon.