Greetings loyal BNR minions!  I am happy to announce that I have recently relocated to the fantastic San Francisco Bay Area (a welcome change from the cornfields of the Midwest), which makes me the new San Francisco correspondent for BNR.  Actually, that makes me the new San Francisco, Bay Area, California, West Coast, and Anything-West-Of-Philadelphia correspondent for BNR.  However, my travel budget (i.e. nothing) limits me to SF and the surrounding areas, so that's where I'll limit my on-the-scene "reporting".

Without further ado, I would like to launch my newly invigorated journalism hobby with a bang, and what better way to do that than by reviewing a Motley Crue show?

Before I mention anything though, I must admit that I've already lied to you.  The show wasn't actually in San Francisco, or even within a half hour's drive; the show was actually in Mountain View, CA at the Shoreline Amphitheatre.  Mountain View is a pretty smart place to have an outdoor venue since it's sunny and 70 degrees pretty much year-round, but it comes with a downside: all worthwhile tickets come attached to a section, row, and seat, which means no pit and no section with standing room only.  The general admission section is actually located about the length of a football field away on a grassy knoll, which is good for planning out an assassination while wondering why you paid upwards of $50 a ticket to watch ants play musical instruments off in the distance.  The over-orderliness of having everyone stuck to a seat definitely took a little bit away from the show, but I'll be honest - it was appreciated during a 5-hour show with 4 set changes.

Anyway, on with the show!  After stopping off at the concession stand to drop $19 on a beer, bottle of water, and some disgusting garlic fries, we meandered inside to discover that Trapt (one of the bands we had come to see) had already started their set, even though the music was hardly audible outside.  The place was still mostly empty, but that didn't stop Trapt from rocking out a few songs (including "Headstrong", one of their staples) and announcing that their third studio album had come out the day before.  It was a disappointing set because it was so short, so I guess I might have to see them when they come to Santa Rosa in September.  I'm still surprised they played first considering two of the other bands that were there that day:  Sixx A.M. (who has one album) and Buckcherry (fucking Buckcherry!).  Anyway, I digress.



Next was Sixx:A.M. and I have to admit I was impressed.  Granted, I knew nothing about them and had no expectations, but they put on a great little show.  I've since learned more about The Heroin Diaries and the accompanying soundtrack, but even without that background knowledge their set was quite enjoyable.  James Michael has an excellent voice and they sound very good live.  Good for them!  That sure beats the hell out of a dark, lonely Christmas filled with intravenous drug use.  Or does it?



Up next was my personal favorite of the day (and almost any day), Papa Roach.  They (and by "they" I mean "Jacoby") definitely had the most energy of everyone on stage.  Had all the bands been given the same pyrotechnics/glam/lighting treatment, the same crowd, and the same multitude of rock sluts, P-Roach would easily have been the best set of the day.  But, it wasn't their tour, so they had to lay low a bit and put on simply a "very good" show.  They played some great tunes from their last two albums as well as some songs from their first album (Infest).  For some reason their second album seems to always get overlooked, but I think it's just as good as all the others.  If you like Papa Roach and haven't listened to lovehatetragedy, you're missing out!



Jacoby was also quite keen on really interacting with the fans:









Then there was Buckcherry.  I'll be honest, I'm not really a Buckcherry fan, and I'm still not one after this show.  They're OK I guess, but I can't help but feel like I'm watching a bunch of frat douches with instruments.  And no, I'm not referring to frat rock (rock played by non-fraternity folks that frat guys listen to while engaging in acts of possibly consensual sex).  I'm saying that I felt like there were actual frat guys on the stage.  Motley Crue also gives off the same vibe, but there's something about Buckcherry that makes it less funny and more pathetic.  They played a few songs that I'm not familiar with (which, again, were OK), but they all seemed to revolve around getting laid or getting drunk, or both.  Ah, frat douchery at its finest.



And then came the "Crazy Bitch" medley to cap off the set, basically signalling they have nothing else really going for them except this one song that somehow catapulted them to playing right before Motley Crue.  How they got to play after Papa Roach (and even after Trapt) remains a mystery to me.  Anyway, "Crazy Bitch" turned into a 15-minute jam session filled with all sorts of random anecdotes and references to what "crazy bitches" do, including having sex in a Chevron station, consuming massive amounts of male reproductive fluid, and opening up the back door at least once a week.  The song is decent, and by far the best one they played, but it's not worthy of being played for 15 minutes.  If you're going to play something for that long, it better be "Free Bird" played one and a half times.

Finally, with the Shoreline Amphitheatre full, Vince, Mick, Nikki, and Tommy finally hit the stage:



I'm not used to seeing shows with pyrotechnics and elaborate stages and seizure-inducing lighting (in fact, I don't know if I've ever see one), but this was quite the production!  I think whoever synchronized all the effects and the video feed and the flames should get his own groupie or two, because it was pretty impressive.  This is the best picture I could muster:



They played all the singles you would expect them to, including "Shout at the Devil", "Wild Side", "Girls, Girls, Girls", "Dr. Feelgood", and "Sick Love Song", though "Smokin' in the Boys' Room" was missing.  The music sounded great, Mick's gnarled hands could still muster some pretty sweet licks, Tommy was, well, Tommy, and Vince sounded pretty decent, though at times he reminded me of a chipmunk with no nuts (pun intended).  However, I will have to deduct Vince points for wearing a "Crue Fest" t-shirt.  Come on man - you know the rules!  What is this, Loveburger?  (bonus points to those who get the reference)

At this point, I should probably mention the decent-sized population of rock sluts that were at this show.  I think over 95% of them were over 30, still trying to prove (probably to themselves) that they still "had it".  In any case, it was interesting to watch.  I wonder if any of them boned a Crue member back in the 80's?  Wait a second, let me rephrase that.  I wonder how many of them boned a Crue member back in the 80's?  Now, what would really be interesting is if the band actually remembered her.  What would a gal have to do to be memorable to Motley Crue after 20 years?  Don't answer that.

Another interesting facet to the show was the juvenile douchery that makes those Crue boys oh so lovable.  Tommy was generous enough to pass some booze and even some absinthe into the crowd, which was appreciated as everybody was probably sober since getting drunk with today's concession prices would require a payday loan.  And then out came the titty cam (or "Tit E. Cam", as he prefers to be called) to show off all sorts of fake and tan boobies to be added to the bay area's collective spank bank.  And let's not overlook the video stream on the huge screens that accompanied the entire performance.  Most of the time they were filled with, well, porn, pretty much.  Man I haven't seen that much porn since... well, let's just say it was a lot of porn.  Nurses in latex and boots giving each other "treatment", plenty of shots of fully erect nipples, and one sequence that mixed clips from a lesbian sex scene with clips of terrorists.  For the most part, the videos that accompanied the songs were completely random montages of pornography, "political" footage, and computer graphics that looked like screen savers from Windows 95.  I think the political footage was added in simply to give the effect that Motley Crue was insightful and intelligent, but it came off as being cheesy and fake.

Anyway, after a long night of porn, rock 'n roll, rock sluts, and more porn, the boys wrapped it up in appropriate style:



And so concluded Crue Fest SF 2008.  It was definitely a fun show and I'm glad I can say I saw Motley Crue, but was it worth $100 a ticket?  No way - Ticketmaster fucked me good on this one.  What I don't understand is all the people that also paid $100 a ticket, but came to see only Motley Crue and no one else.  Then again, this concert probably held more nostalgia for them than it did for me, so I won't pass judgment.  In any case, I had a great time and wholeheartedly recommend Crue Fest to Motley Crue fans everywhere.  If you're not a Motley Crue fan but like good rock, and happen to have some money burning a hole in your pocket, and also happen to like porn, I say go for it.