I passed out this past year at a New Years' Eve party. I woke up in enough time to see this band called The Jonas Brothers. They were a complete mess, out of tune, and I dismissed them as a Bubblegum Pop outfit. I thought they would be gone in a few months.
 
So I was listening to Jacky Bam Bam on WMMR and he went to commercial. I decided to flip around the channels and found a song with high falsettos, which is usually done as a hook-method to lure listeners into the song. The falsetto sounded awful and I had to figure out who the hell would put out such terrible music.
 
I continued to listen and heard generic guitar, keyboard, and harmonies all designed to create mini hooks in the songs to rope listeners in. It wasn't working for me, but seeing as how I was paying Mindy, my regular pay whore on Monday nights, to blow me while driving down Rt 13, I was a bit distracted.
 
The "radio personality" came on and proclaimed "That is the newest tune from the Jonas Brothers and it totally rocks. If you think so, call us and voice your opinion." I was so pissed at this moment I stopped my vehicle, handed Mindy her money, and told her to take her 8 year old kid out of the backseat of my car. I then dialed the radio station to voice my opinion. "That song sucked. It was completely watered down and generic. Anyone could have come up with those lyrics and arrangement. They are forgettable and I wish you would stop playing them." The DJ responded: "Well you just don't know good music because our listeners love it." I didn't dignify the man with a response as he didn't require one. It isn't his fault he works in Wilmington DE at a shitty pop station. I then set out to read up on these brothers called Jonas.
 
They were born in Whack-off New Jersey and are really brothers. They are range from 14-20 years old and record under Disney.

Now I am not like all other internet douchebags and just proclaim they suck because I know it. I will back up what I am saying. Here are the reasons the Jonas Brothers suck.
 
Before I start, according to my sources they do write their own material. If true, kudos to them because many in the Pop world do not. But they still suck.
 
They have no musical substance. Playing instruments is rudimentary for them. Any beginner can pick up their music and ingest it. It has no substance at all. Simple guitar work and the back up band is all professional musicians taking an easy paycheck.
 
The lyrics are throw away. For instance,
 
Next time I see you
I'm giving you a high five
Cuz hugs are overrated just FYI
 
That is terrible lyrical structure right there. I haven't heard this particular song, but I will guess it is another crappy lead in to the chorus where it sounds strained as they try to show you the hurt and pain in their voice.
 
Also lyrics about love and lust as sung by a teenager are useless. They don't have the experience necessary to understand such a complex emotion. It took Rob Thomas from Matchbox Twenty years to write an effective love song, and Aerosmith paid someone else to write their love song. This brings up another reason to hate them.
 
They have taken a vow of "purity." The band wears purity rings on their fingers to symbolize the fact that they are married to Disney and will not cheat on Disney. Actually the rings signify the band's promise to one another, and God, that they will not have not have sex until marriage. A vow of chastity taken between family members? Is this creepy to anyone else?
 
Well there are various ways to remain a virgin and still break this promise. Masturbation, blowjobs, handjobs, even anal sex may not qualify in the Christian definition of sex. I also find it hard to believe that a male in his teens on the road with a shit load of groupies, wouldn't, at the very least, masturbate. It is human nature. To push this on us is a fucking joke. If these kids are virgins, I am going to heaven.
 
This is a public stunt either by the band or Disney to appeal to the largest religious mass in this country. I might like the band more if they came out and said "Shit, I banged a lot of groupies last night." I would not only believe them, but also envy them for their candor, honesty, and sexual appetite/prowess.
 
Back to the task at hand, why the Jonas Brothers suck. They are about as sexy as Dustin Diamond in Zubaz pants. Their "wholesome" look isn't doing it. Wear some rock tee-shirts at least try to look bad ass rather than a pansy push-over.
 
Here is a short clip of their forced singing, generic guitar, style, and their fans obsessing over them. The video comes from "Hollisterxgirlx" who I am sure would sleep with the brothers if given a chance. If she weren't buying mass produced shirts at Hollister to be like her idols on MTV.



I suppose we only have to wait a few more months to one year before the boys get involved in some juicy sex scandal or fade away completely. Until then, you will never see them mentioned on this site again unless it is cut them down.