You have to go back almost a decade to recall when VH1 maintained some modicum of credibility. Remember in ’98 when they had that massive “100 Greatest Artist of Rock N Roll” special? They prided themselves on how only established artists had compiled this list, not slimy producers or hipsters. This was back when their corporate overlords marketed VH1 as the “credible” alternative to MTV slop. Sadly the list was the beginning of the end.

The list shows slowly devolved into the meaningless swill they peddle today:  pop culture commentary from knee-jerk reactionaries fussing about the best week ever or how awesome KISS memorabilia was in 1978. The Celebreality scourge has also gotten out of hand. That impregnated cockroach known as The Surreal Life contaminated the entire station with its bastard brood of endless spin-offs. See Figure A.

Figure A.

The Surreal Life->Flavor of Love->Rock of Love->Rock of Love II->Brett Michaels Knocks Up an Ex-Stripper while Peter Brady Watches IV

Celebreality is pure guilty pleasure TV and a fantastic haven for post-zenith opportunists, has-beens, flash in the pan celebrities and C-list losers. Most of this swill is just harmless fun. What’s not to love about Brett Michaels agonizing over which sleazy Hollywood stripper to kick off his show? But recently Celebreality shamelessly took a turn for the worst with Celebrity Rehab. This train wreck blurs the lines between opportunistic celebrity scum and fragile human beings with real problems. Do we laugh, do we cry? Are they seeking help, are they just trying to get some publicity and cash? I couldn’t really venture to say, but the debut of this show was definitely the moment when the canary in the mine went belly-up.

 Some of the celebs on this show just need some attention. Chyna, Briggitte Nielson and that chick from American Idol just couldn’t find a better gig. The rest of the cast straddle that fuzzy line between losers that need publicity and degenerate addicts who need a paycheck. I have a sneaking suspicion that Seth Binzer and Ricco Rodriguez just need some new friends who aren’t dope-fiends. Binzer could easily move out of Hollywood, get clean and find a low-profile job in the industry where he could make a crap-load of money, buy a trophy wife and still have enough bread left over to put 24”s on his cheese-ball Escalade, but I guess that isn’t a good way to promote his new album. Captain Articulate Daniel Baldwin should either become an addiction counselor or shut the fuck up. This guy seems to have a handle on his own demons, but let’s be honest; Danny needs to get paid because his career is in the shitter.

Jeff Conaway is the only guy that really needs help, but I think he’s just on the show to score some dope money. He’s out of his fucking gourd and his girlfriend is the complete cliché gold-digger/enabler bitch driving around in his Mercedes buying clothes, jewelry and drugs with his money. Jeff doesn’t seem to mind as long as she keeps the blow and Jack in stock.

It’s a weak cast, with the exception of Conaway. No Lohan, Britney Spears or Amy Winehouse to be found. Clearly only talented people die. Insert Heath Ledger reference here. And where the fuck is Danny Bonaduce when you need him?

If these has-beens possessed any degree of dignity, they would seek help elsewhere, but I guess Celebrity Rehab kills three birds with one stone. They get paid, they go to rehab and most importantly they get some publicity. The only thing these duds need to rehabilitate is their careers.

 
Addiction is still the second dumbest thing Seth "Shifty" Binzer has put his worthless stamp on. Here's his number one blunder...