Earlier I posted an article from Reuters about touring China. The main idea of their tips were that selling tickets in China sucks. It had nothing to do with the culture, hotel reservations, or basic getting around in China. So Blogsnroses has come up with our six tips to touring China:

1.    Bring a Phrase book, if you can't speak the language.

You will need to know a few phrases to get around China, if you don't have a translator. You will need to know, how to order in a restaurant, how to locate a bathroom, how to get around town, and how to say your hotel.

I can help you out with the restaurant. Casually walk around and view what other people are eating. If it looks good, when the waiter/waitress, comes to see you...you can just point to the dish you want. That is much easier than deciphering the menu.

2.    That thing you are holding contains poisonous lead.

China doesn't have the regulations that the United States has on safety. We tend to believe that the silverware we are using isn't silver because it contains copious amounts of lead. That is something we take for granted. So we give our kids Thomas the Tank Engine toys from China and they contain dangerous amounts of lead. Baby Huey wasn't going to be a genius anyway.

3.    Don't Drink the Coke, it contains Urine.

There is something to be said about nursery rhymes. They generally have a shred of truth to them. We all know this nursery rhyme: "Me Chinese. Me play joke. Me went pee-pee in your Coke." Why would kids sing this? I do not know the history of the Coca-Cola Corporation, but my guess is that somewhere along the line the Chinese have pissed in the coke.


4.    Don't Drink the Water.

This should be self-explanatory at this point. The Chinese don't have the greatest aqueducts. When they are not pissing in the Coke bottling plant, they are pissing in their drinking water. All water contains bacteria that will upset your stomach. Even if you moved to another county in the United States, your body would haven't to get used to the water. But in a foreign country it is vastly different. Don't drink the shitty water.

5.    Bathrooms are not fun.

I remember going to Korea and having to use the bathroom. I asked to use the facilities and was pointed to a broom closet. I walked in and looked around at the tile room. It contained a bucket, a hose, and a drain. If I was MacGyver I would have created an American Standard toilet out of those ingredients. Instead I peed down the drain and washed it down with the hose. Everything goes down the drain. (Most drains have grates on top so that valuables don't get washed down.)

6.    Don't Fiber load.

Fiber causes you to crap in large quantiles. Your regular one or two turd bowel movements becomes Godzilla sized Toyko monstrosities. Regarding step 4, it is very difficult to push a fiber-loaded movement down a tiny drain with just a hose. You are going to have to bring in a stick, use your foot, or God forbid, your hands.