My irrational fear part I
In light of recent events, I feel the need to completely vent on a situation. I am about to bear my heart and soul and would appreciate some respect about an issue that is important to me. I have decided to depart from reporting on music and report on something that is the antithesis of music. The following views are expressly mine. I am the one who is wearing his heart on his sleeve here. I, Craig Wettner, have an irrational fear of blimps.
This harsh realization hit me two Thursday’s ago, during the NBA Finals. I was at a bar with the other members of BnR and I just couldn’t watch the Finals. At the time I couldn’t place the exact reason as to why, but then it hit me. The reason was because a blimp was circling the arena.
The three most common blimps are Goodyear, FujiFilm, and Metlife. These blimps can be seen every so often, supposedly taking photographs. But generally, they are just in the way, probably due to their enormous size. I am not the only one who shares this complete fear of the flying, fat, helium-filled monstrosities. I have witnessed a lot of people staring at the beasts of the sky and wondering “What the hell is their purpose?” “Why are they here?” “What is their ulterior motive?” Some even yell "Take me to your alien overlord." These answers, and alien overlords, I can’t explain, but I can explain why I am afraid of them.
When I was younger, I had the opportunity to get up close and personal with a blimp. I know what I am talking about and the dirigibles are offensive to all five of my senses. Also with the augmentation of space, their function has been rendered useless with the advent of new technology. I am going to start with senses.
Appearance – Blimps are non-rigid airships. This means they have no distinct structure that holds the airbags in place. They are essentially an amorphous blob. They bulge at the sides. Helium gas is impregnated into the airbags and causes the airbags to inflate. The shape created is caused by internal overpressure. The shapeless and inflated forms are both not aesthetically pleasing to me. I do not have any desire to look at a blimp EVER. I am intimadated by thier sheer size.
Smell - Engineers are able to taint the helium with the smell of onions. This serves a single purpose. Once the airship is inflated, final checks are made. If the smell of onions is detectable, it means you have a leak.
The smell is just atrocious. It can best be described as the product of a drunken, grope-fest in the back of your parents’ car. You can smell the scent of sex, but it is not agreeable to your nostrils because your partner hasn’t showered in six days and wallows with pigs. But hey, the smell has a purpose. It is to attract the team to leaks in the bulging frame. I tolerate the smell because of it's safety mechanism.
Taste – At my day camp at the Goodyear hangar, I saw an undisciplined three-year-old escape from his father. He ran over to the un-inflated blimp sack and licked it. The poor child had the worst set of dry heaves I have ever witnessed. This turned me off to tasting a blimp and just added to my subconscious hatred.
Plus, you know how you can sometimes taste what you smell? Yea, well I taste/smelled that onion helium and it wasn’t pretty. I recoiled in absolute fear and terror and my gag reflex kicked in.
Touch/Sound - The term “blimp” is onomatopoeic. If you were to run your hands down the airship when it is inflated, the sound would be “blimp.” Hence the term, onomatopoeia. The feeling would be like a dimpled golf ball. There are small pockets on the balloon that do not inflate fully. So there are large valleys and crevices if you get up close. But because a blimp flies at 10-15 thousand feet, it looks like it is fully puffed up.
If you were to run your hands over the blimp when it is deflated, it would feel like a slimy, slippery, Mylar balloon. It would make a sound akin to a pig being slaughtered. Would you want to touch that while hearing the slaughtering of pigs? No! And my case continues to build.
This harsh realization hit me two Thursday’s ago, during the NBA Finals. I was at a bar with the other members of BnR and I just couldn’t watch the Finals. At the time I couldn’t place the exact reason as to why, but then it hit me. The reason was because a blimp was circling the arena.
The three most common blimps are Goodyear, FujiFilm, and Metlife. These blimps can be seen every so often, supposedly taking photographs. But generally, they are just in the way, probably due to their enormous size. I am not the only one who shares this complete fear of the flying, fat, helium-filled monstrosities. I have witnessed a lot of people staring at the beasts of the sky and wondering “What the hell is their purpose?” “Why are they here?” “What is their ulterior motive?” Some even yell "Take me to your alien overlord." These answers, and alien overlords, I can’t explain, but I can explain why I am afraid of them.
When I was younger, I had the opportunity to get up close and personal with a blimp. I know what I am talking about and the dirigibles are offensive to all five of my senses. Also with the augmentation of space, their function has been rendered useless with the advent of new technology. I am going to start with senses.
Appearance – Blimps are non-rigid airships. This means they have no distinct structure that holds the airbags in place. They are essentially an amorphous blob. They bulge at the sides. Helium gas is impregnated into the airbags and causes the airbags to inflate. The shape created is caused by internal overpressure. The shapeless and inflated forms are both not aesthetically pleasing to me. I do not have any desire to look at a blimp EVER. I am intimadated by thier sheer size.
Smell - Engineers are able to taint the helium with the smell of onions. This serves a single purpose. Once the airship is inflated, final checks are made. If the smell of onions is detectable, it means you have a leak.
The smell is just atrocious. It can best be described as the product of a drunken, grope-fest in the back of your parents’ car. You can smell the scent of sex, but it is not agreeable to your nostrils because your partner hasn’t showered in six days and wallows with pigs. But hey, the smell has a purpose. It is to attract the team to leaks in the bulging frame. I tolerate the smell because of it's safety mechanism.
Taste – At my day camp at the Goodyear hangar, I saw an undisciplined three-year-old escape from his father. He ran over to the un-inflated blimp sack and licked it. The poor child had the worst set of dry heaves I have ever witnessed. This turned me off to tasting a blimp and just added to my subconscious hatred.
Plus, you know how you can sometimes taste what you smell? Yea, well I taste/smelled that onion helium and it wasn’t pretty. I recoiled in absolute fear and terror and my gag reflex kicked in.
Touch/Sound - The term “blimp” is onomatopoeic. If you were to run your hands down the airship when it is inflated, the sound would be “blimp.” Hence the term, onomatopoeia. The feeling would be like a dimpled golf ball. There are small pockets on the balloon that do not inflate fully. So there are large valleys and crevices if you get up close. But because a blimp flies at 10-15 thousand feet, it looks like it is fully puffed up.
If you were to run your hands over the blimp when it is deflated, it would feel like a slimy, slippery, Mylar balloon. It would make a sound akin to a pig being slaughtered. Would you want to touch that while hearing the slaughtering of pigs? No! And my case continues to build.
I share this fear with you to the point if I see one in the sky I take to hiding. It literally brings me to the verge of tears.
Reply to this
LOL! Loved your descriptions. I thought I was the only one who had a blimp phobia. I never told anyone about it because it seemed so ridiculous to me. No one seems ashamed to admit they are afraid of spiders or snakes or heights, but blimps? Sheesh. I finally googled it today to see if anything came up and I was surprised (in a good way) to find your post. When I see a blimp I get an intense feeling of unease. Hate them. ALL blimps should be decommissioned, destroyed, and never made again. They are bizarre, irrelevant, menacing, skulking, horrible, useless things. And worse yet, I now know that they smell too! (And I didn't know about the deflated part either.) Thanks again for speaking out. Good to know I am not alone in my blimp loathing. :-)
Reply to this
P.S. I probably shouldn't admit this but here goes.... I saw something on tv recently about blue whales and it showed some underwater video. The whale was just swimming really slowly along and I realized that I was having that same uneasy feeling I have when I see a blimp floating by.... so maybe I have a fear of very-large-things-moving-slowly. Anyway, the greyish color and blimp-like shape of that enormous animal did not sit well with me. The difference is that I wish whales well and hope they live long, contented, and healthy lives in the ocean. (If they ever start drifting over the highway as I'm driving along, that would be another story entirely.) :-)
Reply to this
not alone! i too get uneasy when i see a blimp lurking in the sky. it reminds me of a giant white whale floating above my head and i suddenly feel like i am deep underwater. whales, while cool,i would never want to be near one. after seeing a blimp today and feeling the willies, i googled and found that i/we are not alone. the phobia is real - it's called megalophobia - fear of large objects.
Reply to this